On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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