You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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