I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
