look no pants
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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