I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
