You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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