At least make sure they are 18
Why
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
