everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
