He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
