even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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