if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
