I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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