Duck Duck Cougar?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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