Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
