we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize