Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
