One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
