I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
