I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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