I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm always down for nudity.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
