It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
