Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.