Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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