I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
