I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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