hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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