you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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