I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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