Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
