I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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