Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
