i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
