Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
