i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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