I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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