I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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