I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's blow job season.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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