omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
