your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
