yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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