the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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