does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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