So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
