Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
