girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
