I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
