I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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