yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
