We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
