Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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