i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
