and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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