Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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