he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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