i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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