Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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