she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
