Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
